This is a post my nurse buddies will probably relate to the most. Really any first responders will relate because our job changes us and that's just a fact. In some ways it is good and in someways it's not. As soon as I had RN after my name I instantly became a resource to family, friends and neighbors. In fact when in uniform perfect strangers don't mind asking me about their bowel habits, rashes and medications while sharing the isle at Walmart. For the most part I don't mind at all. I don't mind the calls about fevers from friends. I don't mind explaining a surgical procedure a family member may be preparing for or the importance of medications. I enjoy helping others and I am thrilled that so many would trust my opinion so willingly BUT sometimes it's just hard to care. When I say that I am speaking of very few instances and rarely that of people I personally know. Work on the other hand is exhausting not only physically but mentally and sometimes emotionally. In emergency medicine we work 12 hrs with very little if any down time. I care for people with everything from runny noses to missing fingers, gun shot victims, stroke patients, massive heart attacks, psych issues and death... This is in just one day... I may walk out of one room knowing the patient probably won't live another 24hrs and walk straight into the next to comfort the mama who just lost a pregnancy at 14 weeks, only to bounce into the next room with a patient laughing and talking while requesting to eat despite their 10 out of 10 abdominal pain... Exhausting... Now most of us who work in these conditions are pretty darn good at being in the moment, doing what we can and then moving on to the next without to much of an immediate impact. This is how we can do our job well... This is how we survive it all. I can't fall apart every time we lose someone. I can't run off crying every time a child tragically passes because I have a job to do. Someone has to be calm, someone has to support the devastated families and someone has to help guide them through the process of death... That someone is nurses just like me. That someone is paramedics, firefighters and police officers. We all do it in our own way and it's a skill I wish that I wasn't required to perfect. I said earlier that many of us are able to do this without an immediate impact and that is because eventually it will all catch up with us. Eventually you get that one that you connect to on another level. Maybe they have your dads eyes, moms age, grandmas smell or the worst....remind you of the sleeping child you have at home and then you snap... We all hit the wall at some point, it is inevitable. Sometimes this job hurts so bad, touches you so greatly that you wonder why you do it at all- I think that's normal... At least it's our normal... The last two weeks I have had multiple encounters that just broke my heart and it really makes me not want to care. I would love to always be able to walk away unscathed by the days events because a lot of days I can but not always. Yesterday I had a patient tell me that all the nurses were "callused" and that we just didn't care about anyone. I was so shocked by the statement but I let her say her peace even though it was my very first encounter with her. I so badly wanted to scream "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE DEAL WITH AND I AM SO SORRY THAT GOT IN THE WAY OF YOU GETTING ANOTHER WARM BLANKET AND SANDWICH FAST ENOUGH!!" but I didn't... I smiled and apologized if she felt she didn't get the care she deserved and continued on with the care I was sent in to do... That's my job...Sometimes very thankless... I think the timing was what bothered me the most because as she said these words to me I had three faces flashing through my head of people I couldn't help enough, cries I couldn't calm and words I didn't want to hear... She made me sad... I am not callused as the majority of my co-workers also are not. We are nurses who are required to care even at the cost of our own sanity at times. After a couple of extra tough, extra emotional weeks I just needed my family. I needed smiles, giggles, sing along's, hugs and kisses. That is just what I got! Josh and I loaded up the kids today and didn't decide where we were going until we hit the road. Pismo was the destination because we realized we always go to Monterey and never had taken the kids in the opposite direction. It was about time they saw another beach. I am very thankful that for the most part my kids are top notch travelers. The twins are pretty content with a few snacks and some good music. They already sing along with just about every song the big kids like and we all crack up watching them dance around and giggle. They make themselves laugh. We stopped at a cafe right next to the beach and had an awesome lunch while Penny entertained us with her funny faces that Paris had taught her. As usual we got a million looks at our giant family but today I just didn't care. I wasn't going to make them sit still and be quiet, we were at the beach and we were going to have some loud fun! Thankfully no one seemed to mind, in fact most just smiled and said how cute they were. We of course had to stop and get some shovels and buckets before heading to the sand.
Penny is my little thrill seeker. She is afraid of nothing and dug right in. It was like instinct, she knew exactly what the bucket and shovel was for and went to work.
Shockingly Charlie loved it. Charlie may be bigger but she is not as quick to jump in but today she did and loved it!
Ty is getting older... I hate it. Before we left the house he asked if he could stay home and hang out with his friends. It broke my heart. Why wouldn't he want to travel hours in a packed car with four sisters? Crazy, right? Of course the answer was no because I only have 6 more years of calling the shots but thankfully once we got there Ty was in great spirits and really seemed to enjoy the time...
My blue eyed girls
I told them they would regret this move and they didn't believe me until they were taking freezing showers on the beach before getting in to our car!
Gigi could not stop thanking us for taking her to the beach.. sweet girl
The twins are really turning into friends now. They play pretty well together and the last few days I have noticed that they stick together more. They call "sissy" to one another when one is in a spot of good playing.
Goof
Crazy girls wanted to freeze today, so we let them
Josh being the dad he is getting dirty with his girls
Penny was on to a new adventure- she spotted the water
No fear
Paris turning in to a sand Mermaid
Ty helping me make a sand chair
I'm not sure what we were making but Gi was in charge so we just did what she said
Charlie wanted to make sure every crevice of her body would get to touch the sand
Stuck
Mountain climber
Enjoying the moment
Fat break
Still digging
Determined
This day was just what the doctor ordered.
So no I am not callused just because I am a nurse because I am also a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, granddaughter and friend. I had a very wise instructor tell me once to give to your patients, to use your heart when treating because this would make me a great nurse. She followed that statement with a giant BUT, she said, "BUT, don't give your patients your everything and leave only crumbs of your soul for your family. Your family should always get your best!" I agree with her. I will always care for people with the best of my ability but I will not allow my family to pay the price. There is a happy medium somewhere, I just have to find it but today my family brought my bad days to an end and energized me for the days ahead. Amazing how a little quality time can make the tuff times doable. Take a moment and enjoy your families because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Much Love
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
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