I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat...

Does that make sense to any of you?

 Well, if you are a girl I am almost certain you can relate at some point in your life. I, by nature am a slim person. I can eat what ever I want and not work out and stay about the same size, go ahead start hating me (it's not so true anymore). At my two week check up after having Ty, I actually weighed 15 pounds less than when I got pregnant. A lot of that was new mommy business and just not making time to eat but I was pretty small. Actually I was too small at about 110. A short time later I went through a divorce, I lost my appetite and the weight stayed off. Some say I was too thin and I thought they were crazy but by the time I met Josh I was healthier and weighted about 120. Still pretty petite and happy with it. After Paris I began seeing a nutritionist and lifting weights. I weighed about 125 but looked a million times better at least to me (I like girls who have some muscle and aren't skin & bones). After Gianna I did the same thing and bounced back, pretty well that is. Still bikini ready but didn't feel quite the same. I for the first time in my life was self conscience about my body and I didn't like it. I was recently looking through some pictures of me and Josh when we went to Cozumel the month before I got pregnant with the twins. I can remember putting on my bikini thinking I was soooooo fat! I can remember kinda sucking in my stomach looking in the mirror thinking the second we got home I was going to do ten million sit ups! At that point in life I was working a lot and we had just moved into a rental. I was busy and didn't like the gym in Madera. I was burnt out from school and ended up drinking a lot of wine and cooking some amazing fattening meals, so I had been a slacker for about three months. I hated myself for it. I hated those five extra pounds, they were horrid! Looking back at pre-twin pictures I get just a little sad. Sad for two reasons, first of all because I wish I could still look like that! More importantly though, I am sad of how hard on myself I was. I looked healthy and happy, why would five pounds matter so much to me, especially knowing I'm ten pounds heavier than that now.

This picture was taken five weeks before I found out I was pregnant with baby number 4 (little did I know it was 4 and 5).

So after being on a tropical island for 9 days all the while thinking I was disgusting and couldn't believe I was brave enough to wear a two piece in public- we came home. We came home to my best friend planning a shot gun wedding (minus the baby). I was so busy helping her plan and buy decorations, arrange flowers, bake desserts- I had zero time for working out. Now that puts me at four months out from a gym and it bothered me so much! I remember so clearly the morning of her wedding, helping her put on her dress and how gorgeous she looked. Then a little voice told me I should have skipped a meal or two so I wouldn't be falling out of the dress! The entire day, well at least when I was sober, I was so self conscience because I had five extra pounds that I was not accustomed to.

Three weeks later I was surprised with this

27 weeks later I looked like this

I had the twins a few days after this was taken... 

I want to be clear here, I do not regret having babies by any means and I wouldn't change this experience for any super models body out there, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't love the way I look now. I don't think that makes me a bad person. I don't think it's bad to want to look and feel good, young and fit. These are three things I do not feel anymore and I miss it. I need to change that badly. The last 19 months I have given my everything to my babies and work and school, all the while keeping nothing for myself. It is time for change. I can't be a good mom and set a good example for my kids if I don't feel good so I have to reorganize my life a bit and make some time for me. A happy mom is a better mom and I want to be the best mom I can be. This week has been especially busy but I decided to take little steps and cut our excess sugar from my diet. I have gotten into the worst eating habits and I know it's going to take a few weeks to transition. I have vowed to be patient with my self and be content with my efforts even if I fall off the wagon, set it on fire and do a little dance around it. Oh how I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.Wish me luck y'all, I'll need it!

So this week has been crazy busy! Josh has been out of town all week and we are preparing to move so a lot of extra things fell on my shoulders. On top of the move we have had all of the fun end of school year activities that I have bent over backwards to attend. I have gone sleepless a lot lately but it has been worth it. I was able to go on Paris's field trip to Sugar Pine Railroad which was a great time. I love spending time with Paris. My little tree hugger loved every minute of her mountain fun day.

Paris and her buds

Me and my girl

She really is lovely, isn't she? I catch myself staring at her beauty in awe. Gorgeous inside and out

We also had back to school night. I visited Paris and Gianna's classes but couldn't visit Ty's because he had his band concert the same night. We were rushing from spot to spot so each kid got their bragging time.

Goofy Gianna just about done with Pre-K and more than ready for Kinder

Paris finished the year with A's except for a B+ in math. Paris works so hard in math and still struggles so a B+ is an A+ in our house, at least in math.

Sweet sisters, its a love hate thing

Gianna went with me to Ty's concert. This was his first year playing percussion. Last year was the trumpet but he found his love in the drums. He plays multiple instruments now and really has it down. He impressed all the girls at practice with his drum roll (8th grade girls because 6th grade girls don't get him, or at least that's what he told me). He's hoping to get in some extra lessons this summer. What a handsome young man I have.

Tuesday was Gianna's time. We went to the Butterfly farm in Madera with her class. 

Gianna gets the short end of the stick a lot of times. The big kids get invited to go places pretty often but she is left out a lot. She tends to be a bit whinny and talks constantly. Gianna is my biggest challenge as a mother which means she will probably be extremely rewarding. She is such a lively little girl who just wants attention. She wants tons of hugs and kisses and undivided attention. This day she got everything she asked for.

Maybe another percussionist in the making

Loves art

This is her Very Hungry Caterpillar which is one of her favorite books we read. It's right up there with The Napping House

Fearless, now we know where Penny gets it

"Mommy look at me, look at me"

Pictures Gigi insisted on capturing

Gi loved this little Caterpillar

Another exciting change is our new house! I say house because we don't live there yet but will soon. Once we move in, it changes to a home. I am so excited to make new memories in a house we have worked so hard to give our children. We had our first peek at it this weekend when we had our walk through. I took a million pictures but the only one worth showing is this one

Ty is the only kid who went with us because he was so excited and the girl couldn't care less.  This is Ty trying to figure out if he can climb out of the second story on to a non connected balcony- to sit... Ummm NO! He's crazy but we are all anxious too make the move. By my next post I will have some pictures to share as we make the house our home. 

Well this blog was mostly about me and the big kids but I can't leave it without some Twinkie pictures

The girls trying to get daddy up

Josh was mad at me for posting this picture but I think someday he will thank me for having it, just not today...

Papa watched the girls this day and wore them out. These babies love their Papa. Every time Charlie picks up my phone she says, "PAPA PAPA PAPA!" My mom has taught her to FaceTime so she thinks  Papa lives in the phone

Penny does not say nearly as many words as Charlie. Charlie is now saying things like "I want down, I want cracker, outside, sissy, Ty Ty, Gi, Par'eeeeee, Mama, Daddy, Ga'ma". Penny on the other hand is more the strong silent type. She does talk and gabber on but let's Charlie do the majority of the talking. That being said, this week Penny has decide that "Mama, Mommy and Mom" are her favorite words. She likes to say them in five minute intervals that go like this, "Mama" "moooooommmmmm" and I say "yes Penny" and she goes on "mama, mama, mama, mom, mommy, mommy, ma, ma, mom, mama, mama, mama, mama!" "yes Penny, what do you want?" "mamamamamamamamamamamama"

I love it!

Well, I don't know if there is much of a lesson here for my kids to learn this time. I think though that if they take anything from it I want them to take away this little tid bit. I think that I want them to know that we all have times where we aren't happy with something in our lives. Despite our great efforts we may not like our job, friends, body or situation and that's okay. It's okay to want better, it's okay to want to be better as long as you keep things in perspective of your ultimate goals. Life is full of change some good and some not but as I always say you can choose to be happy and even when you're not in an ideal situation you can chose to change it. Embrace change, embrace life and don't let five pounds or even fifteen tear you down.

You are better than you think

You are smarter than you know

Only you can stop you from reaching your dreams

and I am your biggest fan

Much love 

Nothing like failing as a mom...

This picture was taken last month when me and my biggest kids hit the Broadway hit WICKED! What a wonderful day we had! I love spending time with these two. They are so grown up and fun...I needed to look at this picture after the day we have had. 

My children rarely "disappoint" me. Yes, I get angry, yes I snap and yell. I sometimes say things I shouldn't and even say words I wish I hadn't but I can't even remember a time I've told the kids they had disappointed me, until today... Ty, whom is now 12 is amazing. I say it all the time. He gets in to trouble for dishes in his room or not picking up dog poop but he is praised all the time for bringing me coffee for no reason, waking up with the babies on a Saturday morning because Josh and I had worked the night before. He is really a great kid. So great that last year with his own saved money, we allowed him to buy an iPhone, while we covered the service agreement. We have very strict rules with this phone, for instance, if we say, "phone" he immediately hands it over for us to check emails, text messages and recent call history. We have it connected to our iCloud so that we can see any and every conversation if we choose too. He is not allowed to have Facebook or Twitter and his game selection still has to be approved by us. He has never gone over his data allowance and has not lost or broke it. He's all in all a pretty responsible kid. Today however, whew! I checked my online banking to find multiple charges to iTunes.. Not like one or two but like 20 over the last three weeks adding up to $345! I instantly thought in was Paris. I thought by accident she bought things on the iPod but I decided to call Ty just to make sure it wasn't him accidentally doing it. I will allow Ty to have some money on iTunes when he does extra work without being asked and what not, but he surely hadn't done $345 worth! "Ty, did you buy things on iTunes without my permission?" silence... A small voice simply says, "yes"..... I could not believe it. How could my boy be so irresponsible? Have I done that poor of a job teaching him the value of money?! I said all I could say in the calmest voice I've probably ever spoke in, "Would you like to know how much you have spent?" Ty said, "How much?" When I told him there was a deafening silence. "Ty, turn your phone off, take it to my room. It is gone and we will talk about this when I get home."

I was absolutely fuming!! I was so flustered it took me thirty minutes of my class to stop shaking. Josh was equally upset of course. He said when he got home Ty was already crying. By the time I got home I was in a no nonsense kind of mood. I told him that he would have his phone for calling me only. (he walks the girls to and from the bus stop and calls me when they get to school each day or if the bus is running late so that I don't worry) All apps were deleted as well as every restriction that could be made. I explained to him that we would be keeping a tally of his "bill" and he would work off every penny doing chores, babysitting and helping anyone and everyone who needed it. He agreed without any hesitation. I asked him if that sounded fair to him and he said, "Yes I deserve worse... "I said this was a moment to take in as a life lesson. Obviously he does not realize how hard we work for our money but by the end of this he will... He agreed and went to his room. I could here him immediately crying in the room and it just broke my heart but I couldn't let that change anything. I stayed strong, walked in his room and made him stand and look me in the eye. I asked if he was upset over the phone and he said, "No, you're disappointed in me, you won't love me again" and was crying so hard he started to have what appeared to be, a panic attack. I felt my heart sink deep in my gut and I just wanted to hold him and say it was all ok but I didn't sway. I held that in and I said, "Look me in the eye, no matter what you ever do wrong in this life I will always love you with all my heart. There is nothing you could do to make me not love you. You are my world. I am doing this to teach you a lesson you will need in this world." We hugged tightly and he calmed down... Why is it he did wrong but I feel like crap?! I hope that means I did the right thing because the right thing is usually the hardest thing to deal with. I know people will read this and think I wasn't strict enough while others will read and think I was too strict and only God knows what Gwenyth Paltrow will say, she seems to know everything these days! Either way, I did what I felt I needed to do, I honestly had no idea what to do, still don't. I do know my son and I know how horrible he feels knowing how disappointed I am in him. It hurt to tell him I was but it had to be said... Now that it's said it's his job to earn my trust back. It is not my job to be his friend, it is my job to give him guidelines so that he can soar. He has to learn, I have to learn...Maybe I failed... Maybe I gave him too much too early or maybe I have been so busy I am slipping as a mom... Today I failed...The joys of motherhood...I don't remember reading this part in the manual. When my kid fails, I failed and now I have to make it right... Maybe I will be doing some extra chores too... 

On a happier note Josh and I just got back from a little mini vacation in Vegas. I tried to surprise him for his birthday. I planned for months! I had it worked out with his work, babysitter lined up, cover story to get to the airport and even had my sister ready to meet us at the airport to pick up his gun as I knew he wouldn't leave at home. I thought I was a rock star, that is until I realized he knew! None-the less, he played along for quite a while but I finally got it out of him that he did know. 

We hopped on this little plane and were off! This was the first trip away from the twins and honestly the first trip since Cozumel which was the month before we got pregnant with the twins! That's way too long and we needed some "couple" time. I made it a point to not talk about the kids which was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. The kids consume me most of the time which always is a sore spot for Josh but I really tried to make this about us. Sure we saw little things that the kids would like that we'd point out but for the most part we talked about us. We laughed and told stories of the past. We made plans but then broke them. We decided to be completely unscheduled and put on our walking shoes! We walked up and down the strip, eating and drinking all day. We found an wonderful Dueling Piano bar that we had loved years ago and just hung out. We made friends with the coolest couple from Australia and we all sang along and danced to every song. It was a wonderful, wonderful trip. We slept in and held hands and kissed for no reason. We didn't have girls talking our ears off or babies climbing up our legs ~sigh~ I fell in love all over again. As much as I love my children, I love their daddy even more for giving them to me. This was a trip we needed as a husband and wife that makes us a better mom and dad. 

Day One- sober

Best burger ever!

I had to take this for Ty, Poseidon is his hero

Carlos bakery was every bit as good as it looks on TV

Day 3- hung over, well at least Josh was

Ty's souvenir. Pretty fitting for him

I can't believe I am posting this picture because I look horrible but I love that it shows how I really look on a daily basis. I look tired and old but happy, very, very happy! This was taken on Mother's Day. I had to work but Josh surprised me with breakfast in bed that I quickly took to the table because as you can see, these babies won't let me eat alone. Despite the fact Josh had already fed them, they still climbed up and grabbed my bacon and handfuls of eggs and pancake like they hadn't been fed in a week! I was pretty sad I couldn't be with my babies especially Paris. Paris was in the NICU for weeks but she came home on Mother's Day 9 years ago so it has an even deeper meaning to me. Thankfully Josh brought the kids to the hospital that evening so I could have dinner with them. Nothing like celebrating Mother's Day in the emergency department break room but it made my day. 

Here are some pictures from the last week or two.

We have a pretty exciting month ahead of us as our house will be finished in a couple weeks. I look forward to having my next blog featuring a picture of our family in our new home. I can't wait to be in a house that fits us and have the conveniences of living in a larger city. I think there are great things around the corner for our family which is hard to imagine but I can just feel it. 

Love...