When in the hell did this happen?!?

Well, my birthday is coming up... 33... I jokingly talk about how old I am often, probably because half of the girls I work with are practically infants.  They are early 20's, getting married and having their first baby...First baby, that seems like forever ago.  It really doesn't bother me, age that is.  I feel like I am settled and I like that.  I like who I am better now than when I was in my 20's, I am more confident and content.  I enjoy my life verses waiting for it to happen like I did back then.  I was always planning in my 20's and now I'm just living.  I love that.  I don't mind getting older but  I do hate wrinkles and finding a grey hair but that's all a part of this grand journey we call life.  I feel pretty good for the most part, sure I don't have the body I did in my 20's but I do have more money.  I don't have the excitement of falling in love but I have the gift of being in love everyday.  I don't have the hope of new tiny feet to run my hallways but I do have feet of every size running to me everyday for hugs, kisses and "I love you mommy".  So 33 doesn't seem to bad but I'll revisit that when it actually happens... Despite me being okay with this aging business, my children are a different story because I am not tolerating that well at all...

Ty will be 12 in a couple weeks and will be heading to 6th grade camp on my birthday.  None of this bothers me, honestly he is such a great kid that it has been a joy to watch him grow.  I think about him driving and going to college and someday getting married and its happy thoughts, exciting.  I see Ty's future and I am so happy in the direction he's going, that is until Tuesday...  This last Tuesday I picked the kids up at the bus stop so we could run a few errands before I headed off to school.  Ty had been taken to his orthodontist appointment by my mom that morning because I had worked the night before.  Ty excitedly jumped in the car with a huge smile, "Look mom! No top Braces!!"- "Cool Ty! You look great!" I said.  Then we drove off as my stomach sank and I felt sick.  Why? Why was this bothering me?  I am old enough to have a son getting braces off, not on but off!  He's growing up, I realize that and it hurt... It hurt like I can't explain other than if you were punched in the stomach and had the wind knocked out of you at the same time you were being thrashed around a merry-go-round... That's how I felt...  I can't let him go, I am not ready and you can't make me!  If it were only that easy, to say "No you can't grow up" and be done with it, oh how I wish...  I digress...

Tuesday night I came home from school and was greeted by Paris, still wide awake so I let her lay in bed with me a few minutes so we could talk.  The previous week I had several patients around 10 who were very grown up looking and it got me thinking that Paris is about to be 9!  Even if she takes after me and doesn't grow up to fast I know that at least some of her friends will and she is bound to be given information I'm not ready for her to have.  I took this thought, swallowed hard and began "the talk"... I asked Paris what she knew about her own body and to my surprise she knew pretty much nothing.  So I gave the age appropriate talk on what she can expect in the next 3-4 years.  I should have known this talk would lead to a dramatic melt down on her part. "WHAT? NO! This can't happen to me! This is horrible!" she said as she thrashed about the bed going in and out of the fetal position.  She dug her face in the sheets devastated of what lies a head.  I explained to her it was all good things that would lead to her one day in her 30's of course being able to have babies herself, she smiled... Finally after a few minutes of silence she said, "Mom, it's not right." "Whats not right Paris?" She looked so serious and said, "Mom I am just a little girl, these "changes" should not happen at 12, I should be 20!"  I couldn't help but laugh and agree with her.  My baby girl will be turning into a big girl soon and I already see the changes.  I see the way she looks at the world changing, maturing....Then I felt incredibly sick...

Tonight was the schools fundraiser at McDonaldes.  All of the kids teachers and Principals worked the counter which the kids found hilarious!  This was Gianna's first time going since she began school.  Gi was so excited and pointed out all her friends, hugged her teacher and gave high fives to the big kids friends who all think Gigi is their little sister too.  Gianna was in heaven.  When we got home we put the babies down and started our reading for the night when she became very worried, "Mom, when we move will we live in 'adera or somewhere else?" I wasn't sure why she was worried, "No Gi we will not live in Madera anymore, we are moving to Fresno." She smiled and said, "Okay mom I just needed to know because I have to let my friends know where I am because they know I live in 'adera now but they won't know where to find me when we move.  I think I need to have a party at our new house so my friends won't miss me and Molly."  She was so matter of fact, so grown up and has it all planned.  I smiled and agreed but when she looked up and our eyes met I saw something I hadn't seen before.  There big girl eyes.  She is loosing her baby face and is growing up.  I can see I am no longer the center of her world, she wants friends and parties and wants to dance and sing in her room.  She likes to dress up and shop for clothes and all in an instant I see my baby disappearing, why didn't I see this coming?  In that moment I had flash backs to Ty and Paris on Tuesday and instantly felt tears collecting in my eyes... When in the hell did I blink long enough for them to each jump to the next phase?  I feel sick...

Ty and Paris on Mothers day 2008. 

 I was pregnant with Gianna at this time.  These two were my whole world and it seemed they would be this size forever, I was wrong.

Gianna's first trip to Disneyland

I can see the twins in Gianna's face...Gigi was the happiest baby, always smiling.

We are planning the Twins first trip to Disney next month.  I will never forget each of the big kids first trips.  One trip I can remember telling Ty and Paris we were running errands in Fresno as we drove to L.A. then we told them we were going to the zoo.  We had been in Disneyland a half hour before Ty looked up at us and said, "this zoo sure is a lot like Disneyland" Josh and I died laughing.  Gianna was so excited and happy during our visit, I remember she loved the Nemo ride the best.

Gianna loved Ty just as much as the twins do now.  This will always be one of my favorite pictures.  This was after a long day of traveling to Maui.

Where did these tiny faces go?

Me and my boy... He has such a big claim on my heart.

Paris and Gianna doing what Gianna and Charlie now do... The cycle continues.

Three amazing little cubs

It's not just my kids growing that kills me.  This is my niece Graysen.  She was one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen, perfect in ever way.  I fell in love with her immediately although now we have more of a love-hate relationship but we're working on it ;-) Gray turns three today... boo!

Sweet Talyn will be 7 this summer which I don't understand because I feel like he was just born.  I walk on water to my T-bear, he's the greatest gift an aunt can ask for.  I will always remember him feeding Gray, instantly becoming the best protective bro, which he remains.

My last group picture before our whole world got flipped upside down

My sweet little world flippers

This picture is fitting to end this blog because they are turned away from me.  When kids are little they are always running to you with excitement, new words, new toys, new thoughts, new adventures they want you to walk them through.... Then one day they turn away from you and run, they run to new excitements, new words, new thoughts and new adventures that they don't need you to help with.  This sounds so sad and in some ways it is but if I do my job right I know that they will succeed in those new endeavors because I taught them how to.  They may not need me as much as they did as infants but I know in some ways they will always need me and if ever comes the day they don't, I can only hope I have done a good enough job that they won't need me but will hopefully want me.  I really am making a great effort to enjoy each step of the journey of motherhood, who would have thought the hardest part would be the letting go...

Hold on tight my friends, it's going to be a bumpy but magnificent ride.

Much Love

2014 Will Bring a New Edition

No, I am not pregnant, that ship has sailed! 

A great deal of time last year was spent attempting to find our "forever home" with no luck. We missed out on what I thought would be our new adventure and I was completely distraught over it. Josh and I looked at countless homes attempting to agree on what was important and within our price range and of course fit comfortably seven people, all of which are growing. Josh was much easier to please as normal and liked most of what we looked at but I was so determined to have land, space to grow and enjoy... This was a fantasy and it took me about six months to figure out this was a fantasy. In order to be in a decent location with a home large enough for our family, it was impossible to find space too. I tried, he tried, the realtor tried...No luck. We just not could find a single thing even close to our price range that met all of my goals, so I just gave up. This is totally the wrong attitude and I knew it was but I was tired of hearing Josh talk about it and I was really sick of yelling at the girls to clean up their tiny room which is impossible to keep clean. I was sick of laundry baskets in the hallway because we have no room for them elsewhere. I was sick of just not caring because "it wasn't my house". Yes, this is the wrong attitude I know, I know, I know but this is where I was. So I gave into Josh's idea and we signed over our savings to a builder.

This is our dirt... It was the most expensive dirt I've ever bought...

Their pouring our foundation this week... As you can see we are pretty darn close to our neighbors which is exactly what I did not want. I did not want a residential track home but the fact of the matter is that's what works for our family and our budget. Don't get me and my bad attitude wrong, this home we are building is very nice, beautiful actually.  It has an open living space and the kitchen has my dream double oven. Everyone but the twins will have their own room and I even get to have a small craft room which excites me like no other! Josh isn't happy I claimed the space because he wants a "man cave" but I relinquish the garage, so have at it babe. We will be in a very convenient location which means I won't have to find a new job which was important to me and it will be very quick for Josh to get to work. All and all this house is a good match with the exception that the yard will be small so Gianna and I still won't have room for a full garden but on the flip side her and I had a lot of fun with our potted garden, so we will keep that up. At the end of the day I know I just need to be thankful. I know I need to be thankful that my husband has worked so hard to provide a great life for us. I need to be thankful that my kids are thrilled with the new house and are just fine with the small backyard, especially when we will be a few miles away from the water park. I need to be thankful that we will finally have something to call our own after all the hard work we have done to be ready to buy again. I need to be thankful and I am... I know that we are going to be very happy in this house and it will only take us to make it a home. I already can see the twins running down the stairs and the big kids at the counter doing homework. I can see Super Bowl parties where we have room for everyone to sit. I can see Bar-B-Q's and water fights. I can hear the laughter...I am thankful. We hope to be in the house by summer so I'll be posting pictures of the progress and we will gladly take any volunteers to help us move in! I'd like to think my bad attitude is gone and it was replaced with excitement and hope of what this year will bring.

So far this year brought my little Lane aka Smokey turning 1! I was thrilled Krisha let me be a part of his big day by making his smasher cake. I may have to take a cake decorating class to improve my skills for next year.

As normal for us we kept busy with our day trips. This day we took a trip to the zoo with Grandma Jackie, Papa Don, cousin Richard and Talyn.

When Gianna and Richard are together it's like having another set of twins. They are only a few months a part and look so similar it's scary. They are totally best buddies.

Sucks to be eaten by a hippo

Gigi a little stingy with the lettuce, she really made the giraffe work for it

Sweet Richard

Sugar filled Gigi

Penny deep in thought

Charlie- hungry

Best big bro

Gianna always cheesy

So this it the twins new thing, they get in to the cabinets and get everything out and attempt to eat it all. They now bring me snacks they want when their hungry. It's actually pretty cute to see them walking out of the kitchen-still waddling with crackers that they somehow managed to open.

My walker

Cheerios

Mad that I told her to get out of the cabinet.

 So both babies are walking up a storm and it is completely adorable. They have changed so much this month not only with the walking but with their personalities. They are really becoming buddies now. They sit and talk and talk and talk to one another and then giggle. The two of them giggling is the best sound in the world. They play together now, not just beside each other. They give kisses, hold hands and say "niii, nii" which is "nice" as they pet each others heads. I use to roll my eyes when people would say, "Oh I want to have twins!" I always thought they were crazy for wanting all the chaos but now I agree with them and say, "ya it's pretty awesome" because now they are just so fun and it is heart warming to see their connection not only with each other but the big kids too. They cry when the big kids go to school and scream in excitement when they come home. They race to Josh and I when we get home from work and fight over who can give kisses first. They climb all over us like we are jungle gyms. Yep, it's pretty awesome for sure.

Here are some cute pics from the month.

Sweet Penny and her lopsided head- it's not noticeable to me anymore unless her head is wet but I am still confident she will be just fine

Charlie is just big. 25lbs of chunk. She feels so heavy compared to Penny but all those rolls love to be tickled and her giggle is infectious.

Papa Darrald and his two newest granddaughters. They share his eyes and already like me, think he walks on water.

So that was our month in a nutshell. This posting like all others is dedicated to lessons for my kids. So Ty, Paris, Gianna, Charlotte and Penelope- please always find the positive in things and be thankful for what you have but know it's ok to take time to adjust and it's ok to not be happy with a decision as long as you can make it right and find the joy in what ever you do. Learn from mom and don't waste the time you could be rejoicing on a bad attitude. Being happy in whatever you're doing makes this world a better place because you will be better people.

Be thankful my friends

Love