I'm not that mom

"I'm not that mom"...Sounds harsh, like there is something wrong with being "that mom". I think that's a big problem that I totally partake of. Too often we know better what we "are not" more than what we are. This blog started writing itself in my head a few weeks ago while I was fighting with my husband. Yes, we fight, yes we yell at times and yes we say things we shouldn't. We are human... I have a friend that openly admits that her and her husband never really fight. He doesn't get mad, raise his voice or argue with her... Good for them but that's "not us". We are both passionate people. When we get fired up about anything good or bad neither of us can fight it. We both are "all in" kind of people so that definitely comes out in an argument but I digress. During this argument which was regarding my dog Josh continued to say what he wasn't willing to do. To be fare from the very beginning of him giving me the dog I wanted so badly, he stated very clearly this was to be my dog, my responsibility and that was that. Despite him clearly laying out his intentions from the beginning I didn't believe he would make me stick to it. I really thought he would help me train the dog especially considering I was under so much stress working two jobs, school and the new house changes...I was wrong. He stuck to his word of what he "wouldn't do" and that just killed me. This was not just one argument but rather a daily argument that progressed for two months. It made us both bitter and angry and a little resentful to the other person. It simply wasn't worth the argument anymore and I finally got rid of my sweet but trouble making puppy. I won't lie, even though Josh stuck to his word and I did not uphold my end of the deal I was still so disappointed in him and then of course everything he said irritated me. I started to pay attention to the actual words coming out of his mouth and I realized how many times during the day he would tell me what he was "not going to do". "I'm not cleaning that up" or "I'm not doing that" bla bla bla. It started to drive me crazy mostly because I was already emotional. Then I noticed the kids saying it, "I'm not helping you get that, you can do it yourself". This trend was running wild through the house and it made me sad that so much negativity was present throughout my happy family.
I feel like I am generally a pretty up beat person and I didn't know how this could be running so wild. I kept stopping the kids in their negative words and encouraged better choices but it kept nagging at me. I realized I was going to have to do something to counter act this negative attitude so I thought. As I really thought about these things I started catching myself in this same negative attitude. I caught myself saying all the things I "was not". Now I wasn't saying these words out loud necessarily but I certainly wasn't portraying the mother I want to be. I caught myself too many times judging others parenting choices. I realized as I scrolled Facebook I was irritated so easily by others posts. The bragging of what they just bought, the kid in a way to skimpy outfit for the age, the drama thrown about like dirty laundry on my bathroom floor and I hated I was turning into "that person" and I wasn't going to stay that way! I started to see the problem wasn't Josh's words, it wasn't the pictures or status updates it was me. Why was I so hard on everyone else, why was I being so sensitive? Hell if I know, maybe stress, exhaustion or just the fact that I can't have the time, money or energy to do everything I want in a days time! I want to be "that mom" the one who stays at home with her kids and has time for dance class and homemade cookies. I want to be "that mom" who has a Pinterest idea for every new adventure in her kids life. I would love to be "the mom" with the awesome career and never fights with her husband... I am not "that mom".... I may not be "that mom, wife, employee, daughter, sister and friend" but what I can be is better. I can let myself off the hook for not being all that I'd love to be and be happy with whom I am. I am always telling my kids to choose to be happy yet sometimes I just suck at that. I have to learn to be content with all that I am which is more than enough for most and if it's not, well then we better part ways now! I cannot concentrate on what I am not but have to concentrate on what I am and could be. I could be a way better example for my kids and my husband. I could be less judgmental, less stressed, less...just less... I think I am starting to realize that being less and doing it well is better than trying to do it all. I know me and I know that I will always strive to be better, that's just who I am but I can direct that characteristic in myself in a more positive way, so I will... I will listen to my husband next time he says he isn't going to help me do something and not hold it against him when he follows his word. I will let my children know that it's OK to not meet your own expectations and that it's only a failure if you don't try at all. I will try and set a better example and in my effort to try and be a better person, maybe I actually will be. So, I set my goals but then I needed to put them into action. I started simple. I deleted Facebook. No, I wasn't all drama and deleted my account so that everyone and their mother would text me wanting to know if I was OK, I simply deleted the App off my phone. I realized what a distraction my phone is and how often I check it. I say it's out of boredom but that's a lie. I don't have time to be bored and I can certainly fine more usefully things to do with my time than see pictures of all my friends meals! It's been two weeks since I made this move and it was a good one. My phone is no longer connected to me and I find myself talking more in depth to my kids and I'm not distracted. Today is my day off and I could have very easily got up started laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom but instead I played in the twins room with them. I chased them, tickled them and pretended to eat up their little fat legs and we had some fun. Even now instead of doing laundry I am typing away my thoughts and feelings and that makes me feel better. This makes me have some perspective. Perspective is important and in the last few weeks I have had some great examples set for me.
So I let myself off the hook while everyone was posting their adorable first day of school photos which their cute little signs and was just fine settling for a quick note on  white board!

I think looking back in 20 years I won't remember that I was the only mom without a cute picture frame print out but I will remember crying the night before my son started Junior High wondering where the time went. I will remember Paris and the scared look on her face as she walked to her class knowing no one at the school and feeling like the worst mom ever for taking her to a new school district away from her friends. I will never forget Gianna being so excited until the moment came for me to leave and little tears started to stream down her face and a little piece of my heart breaking for my baby. I will never forget how resilient my kids are and how even though the first days led to wrong buses, no friends, lost phones and tons of changes they still went back each day without any complaining. They went back each day and by day three had new friends, Water Polo, Drum Line, Choir and in Gigi's words "fifty friends". My kids are good apples and I'd like to think that even if they aren't following my at times poor example, they still see me trying to be better and they follow that. 

Another wonderful example was set out for me in my Aunt and Uncles 50th wedding anniversary! Uncle Gene and Aunt Shirley are amazing people and I feel so blessed to have enjoyed their special day with them. They truly have set a wonderful example of how to make a marriage last and that is at the top of my list!

Aunt Shirley surprised with the Vow Renewal

Words of wisdom

Dad even got up to tell them of the wonderful memories he has because of the great people they have always been.

That's what we call true love folks

Then it was time to party and visit with family we just don't get to see enough!

This was the day we had fought horribly about the dog. Despite any fighting I know Josh is always there when it really matters.

The only kisses Ty is allowed to get even though he is in Junior High!

One of my dearest friends Chris. He has been there for me for more than half my life and I couldn't imagine a world without him.

Ty and his favorite people

Waterman family photo

Dad, Papa Hank and Uncle Eddie

Papa and Jess

Me and Papa

Aunt Shirley is also an identical twin and I think my girls could tell

Penny

Cousin Cade and Charlie

Charlie wasn't diggin her shoes

Penny found Aunty Jess's candy stash

I realize that Paris was having to much fun to even stop for a picture but she was there, I promise. 

I am a fortunate person. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends and an incredible life. I just need to remember that more often. In this world it is easy to see what we don't want to be but its better practice to think of what we want to be especially when that makes us strive to be better people. If you're not growing you're dying, so I am going to grow because I have so much to live for!

Not all summers are equal

Well, if you're wondering if I gave up on this blog thing, I haven't. We have just been so very busy that I feel like I haven't had many chances to take a breath. This summer is nothing like last summer or the one before. I was looking back at photos of last summer and all of the day adventures me and my little ducklings took and I realized how little I accomplished this summer. Last summer I filled our days with zoo visits, special lunches, mammoth fossils and so much more but I was concerned that maybe this summer would lack some memories. I honestly have barely even looked at social media this summer and forget TV watching; although I still made time for Tru Blood and Game of Thrones (not so secret obsession). Each time I glanced at Facebook I had invites to play dates and fun summer outings but simply did not have a single minute to do any of it. I haven't sewn a stitch of anything. I have taken only a handful of pictures and haven't tried any new recipes. The fact of the matter is I am not in a position to be a stay at home mommy and I just don't have the time that stay at home moms do. I try very hard to make sure my kids still get as much attention as possible but this summer was a challenging one because it was full of change. Immediately after our move in June I started a new job. I took a job doing home health which is very flexible and generally has a great schedule. There are dozens of positives regarding the new job including no more late nights and way less holidays which is nearly impossible for a nurse. As much as I adore the emergency department, I was exhausted, burnt out and needed a slow down so I happily accepted this new chapter. The negative to the new job was a big pay cut initially. It all evens out in the end but the last thing you want is a pay cut just after buying a nice big house! So I did what any mom would do and worked both jobs until the pay came up to where I was accustomed to. For seven weeks with the exception of one wedding I worked six days a week. The only way I was even able to manage this was because Josh had surgery and was home with the kids during the entire training process which kept my mind at ease. This weekend was my first full weekend off with not a thing to do and boy was I thankful. I am taking a month off from the ED and then I'll take maybe a day a month just to keep up the skills and "play" with my friends. I really do love the new job. This is a job in which I feel like I am really making a difference and still get to be home in time to run to the water park, make dinner and read bedtime stories. I feel very blessed at this new arrangement.
Josh has been Mr. Mom the last two months waiting to heal with his wrist in a cast. He's pretty sick of kids at this point and openly admits I do the "mom" thing better than him.... I have to agree not because of what we each do but because I truly enjoy it. I love having a clean house, play dates and cooking for my family but it's more of a chore to Josh and I get that. I get that we are wired differently and those differences make us work so well, must be okay since our 9th anniversary is in a couple of weeks. We are going on being together 11 years! That's nearly forever in my book!
Besides lots of afternoons at the water park we also helped with Papa Don's 80th birthday bash! Papa Don is a wonderful man who accepted me as his granddaughter right from the start. He fell in love with Ty from day one and has always made us feel like family. Don was completely surprised over the whole deal and loved the book I made of him and some highlights of his adult life.

Sadly the twins went crazy within the hour and I missed most of the party but knowing that he was happy with what was done for him is all that matters.

Princess Charlie

Penny was tore up from about 15 minutes in

Gigi excited as always

Best buddies

Grandma Lindy and some of her babies

Aunt Shirley and Josh preparing the bar

Charlie wanting cake

Paris staying out of trouble

One of my sweet girls

Next on the list this year was swim lessons. These lessons were given by Aunt Shirley to help strengthen the kids skills. With Ty starting junior high this year he is really interested in Water Polo so he jumped at the chance to learn some new tricks!

Gigi loved every second

Paris hates getting her face wet but is much better now!

Ty is stronger everyday.

We did manage to sneak in a camping trip with Grandma Lindy and Johnny. Last weekend we headed up to Half Moon Bay and enjoyed the ocean and 60 degree weather. The babies loved it and the big kids had a blast. I enjoyed just sitting, at least for the day but then came back to work Sunday. We ate and laughed and told stories and I think made some fun memories. 

Charlie was digging getting dirty

These two are way to similar!!

Penny cracks me up

We have never let the twins sleep with us. We were so scheduled right from the beginning we never really had those snuggle times in the early mornings or nights but on this trip the twins slept in between Josh and I in the tent. We were both afraid we wouldn't get a moment of sleep but boy were we wrong! The girls were so good and I woke up to Penny looking me dead in the eye rubbing my face. Charlie was snuggled to Josh and we enjoyed every minute!

Looking back at last summer it's easy to think we should have done more but then I glance down at my kids playing on the floor as I write this blog and think, "They don't need to go somewhere everyday to make great memories!" We made memories while our friends have stopped by to eat dinner and share laughs. We made memories while we cleaned rooms and picked out desks for homework. We made memories today walking down the Wharf of Monterey while the babies chased birds giggling all the way. We made memories breaking in the new B-B-Q and have enjoyed our neighborhood park. Now looking back and seeing how we made it through a hectic, busy, life changing summer and came out stronger as a family I am pretty darn proud. This summer is just additional proof of all that Josh and I have worked so hard for and knowing its all paying off and we are all better for it. My kids are growing in to wonderful little people and continue to make me so proud and my husband stepped up when I needed him most and got me through 50 plus hours of work each week and school! When it goes and gets tough, the Richards pull together. So maybe we had less trips but I think we had an even better summer and I can't wait to see what Autumn will bring!

Now it's back to school time!

Much love