Kryptonite

Superman can fly... He can fight off any enemy and prevail with grace, not to mention his hair will remain unscathed and perfect after the mighty brawl. Superman seems to be indestructible, that is until a tiny fragment of a glowing rock known as kryptonite comes even remotely close to the man of steel. Then what? Then he drops to his knees.  I imagine his mind races with fear as he plays out the inevitable play by play. I wonder if he flies around in-between it all wondering if around the next corner lies the mighty enemy that can take him down.  Well, I don't know about any of that especially since he's a fictional character but I'll never tell my kids that. I still point out the streaks in the sky as being him zooming by...They still get excited, well at least the littles do.  I feel like Superman.... Not the Superman that wins all the battles but rather the sad, half dead one lying on the ground waiting for someone to end it all as the kryptonite sucks the life out of him... Dark huh? That's where I am lately. I am exhausted... Utterly exhausted and feel like I am failing in every which way. I'm not keeping the house as clean as I'd like. I'm not as involved with the kids school as I'd like in fact I'm not involved at all. Not one PTA meeting and I'll probably not even go to the school carnival much less help with it... Things bother me now that never would have before and really shouldn't at all.
The other day the kids made a huge deal out of a meal Josh had made. It was delicious and he was quite proud and as the kids made this big deal out of it I became sad. I just kept thinking it's my food that they love, not dads and why is this such a big deal?! I could feel the anxiety come over me as my heart began to race. Right in the middle of this moment I was having Ty and Gianna both said something to the effect that dad is the cook in the house now and I felt the tears in my eyes come to surface. That shouldn't bother me but it did. I should have felt grateful he is enjoying his new smoker and actually taking some of the workload but I didn't, I felt replaced and I'm still here but not really... I'm not really anywhere because I'm spread so thin I can't be anywhere because I'm everywhere but not enough to actually matter. If that can make sense at all.  School is just kicking my butt and that's all there is to it and whats crazy to me is no one seems to notice that I'm falling apart right in front of them. Maybe I am just that good of an actress, maybe I chose the wrong field after all...
Recently a co-worker made it over to talk to me and ask how I was. I told her I was super busy which is my go-to answer but she didn't leave it at that. She actually wanted to know HOW I WAS... I had a hard time telling her that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and by verge I mean I am actively breaking down right in front of you. She said I was Super Woman, I assured her I was not... As I explained just how complicated things were she just smiled and said I'd get it done.... I fought back tears because I just don't know that I can this time. This time I may just be over my head but instead I smiled and agreed. I say the same things to everyone who asks because for the most part people don't really understand and maybe they don't want to and I can't blame them, it's a lot to take in. My husband keeps reassuring me it will all be worth it... I'm not so sure anymore. I'm struggling in every which way and almost hope I do fail simply because that means I have a way out. That's not me, at least not typically. Thats the exhausted me that has just showed up unannounced and has luggage! I'm worried she will never leave!
She will leave though... I'll make sure of that. I'm trying to kick her out of the pictures as it is. Tonight in class we were being lectured on antibiotics. Some antibiotics have the greatest efficacy as they have consistent levels within the blood to stop the bacteria in it's tracks. Others work well by having a large dose daily as they continue to benefit from the byproduct well after the medication has wore off.  Some kill off the bacteria while others just stop it from growing to allow your own body to create the adequate defense. Sometimes you have to change from one to another in order to completely heal as the infection changes. This stress that I call life is like a vicious bacteria and I just have to find the right antibiotic to treat it. I have already started my healing with diet and exercise to give myself the best platform to gain myself and sanity back. I have large doses of treatment with the help of my friends. I have the best friends. I have the kind of friends who text me on school nights knowing I will likely be stressed and need a pick-me-up. I have friends that call me randomly even though their own life is hectic just to ensure I'm okay. I have friends that send me funny cards for no real reason at all and are prepared to talk me off the ledge weekly without tiring of my complaining. Those are the moments that feed my soul even after the phone call is over and allow me to feed off it for hours upon hours longer. Then I have my family. I have the most amazing family.The consistent dose that remains constant in my system. It comes in the form of hugs and kisses and I love you's. It comes from my husband telling me he knows its hard but has no doubt that I can do it. It comes from him cooking even though it breaks my heart a little because I know I just can't do it alone and I am thankful I don't have to. I may have to change my plan of treatment a dozen more times during the next year but thankfully I have all the treatment I need at my fingertips. Even while typing these words I can only feel happiness as my phone lights up with an encouraging text from a friend. I feel overwhelmed with excitement for what the future holds for me knowing that in just 3 short weeks I will be in a clinic assessing, diagnosing and treating patients just as I said I would over ten years ago. Ten years ago I was starting school to be an LVN and I said way back then I was going to be a Nurse Practitioner and now here I am a year away from that goal. A goal that I could never reach without my family, my friends and my stress... That stress that brings me to my knees is also the same thing that makes me a fighter. It drives me to want to be better, to do better and push harder.  Now let's not get me wrong here, I will keep crying. I will still feel like I should quit and maybe still wish I'd fail just to be done. I will still feel overwhelmed and I will absolutely feel exhausted but I will also feel gratitude. I will feel grateful for the experience I have worked so hard to be a part of. I will rejoice in the fact I have a strong body that I can abuse to get the job done. I will thrive on the stress and appreciate the accomplishments that much more. Lastly, I will be beyond thankful for the people who allow me to rest on their shoulders when I need it the most... I am not Superman. A rock will not bring me down. The only thing that stands in my way of attaining my goals is me and I just won't let her.



Anything worth having is worth fighting for... Keep fighting friends, keep fighting.
Much Love-
D

The Season of my Life

Recently Josh and I were driving along, me on my phone while he tells me facts that are useless to me as I say, "um hu, sure.. ha ha...yep." Then he caught my attention, he says, "I think you should be writer someday."   WHAT? That was random (or at least I think it was, I wasn't really listening) but he goes on to tell me that he always saw me, as being a writer and I should write books or something... "In my spare time?" I say and we both laugh.  He tells me someday, I will be. The truth is I have always loved to write. I love to write poems for no reason at all, from invitations to an event, memories for others and I use to write some pretty dope love letters to my husband. (Yes I said dope, because I am that old).  After we had this very brief conversation it really got me thinking about how calm I am while I write. I don't have to post it, and frankly I don't even need anyone to read it but getting the words out of my head do ease my spirit and I miss doing it.  I miss having the time to do it but who has time when you work full time, take a full load of a masters degree clinical program and then deal with a home, husband and pets... Am I missing something? Oh ya, and five children! It makes me sad but I tell myself the same thing I tell myself every time I pass my unused sewing machine, this is just the season of my life and this too shall pass... or so I hope.

The last time I posted it was June of last year I believe... That's a bit crazy! I reread it tonight and I can remember so well the place I was in while I wrote it.  Once again I was in a self loathing mode always picking myself a part, never feeling quite good enough so I wrote... I wrote until I got to a better place,  I hope that works tonight.

Brief over view since June of 2015.  When I wrote that post I had just found out I was accepted to the Masters Family Nurse Practitioner program. I was both scared and excited but mostly scared. I begged Josh to give me a way out the night before I started. I literally sat on the floor with my head in his lap and sobbed that I couldn't do it. I begged him to agree with me so that I could with good conscience drop it all and just be a nurse, a wife, a mother and not a student... He wouldn't concede to my wishes. In fact he did the polar opposite of what I needed him to do. He reassured me that I was the smartest person he knew and that I was the only person he knew that could do it all and do it well... This just made me realize he doesn't know many people but what choice did I have, I went to class and thus far have straight A's but will see how much longer I can keep that up. I cry regularly, at least weekly just out of pure exhaustion and stress but I keep telling myself this is temporary. This is only one season of my life...

Since last June my kids have the done the craziest thing, they have grown!!! Lets start from the top:

Ty- Age 13, 8th grade. Well, my lovely son has started this horrible habit that will likely get him grounded until he's 30. He talks about high school and college 24-7. He is so excited that high school starts in just a few months and has just registered for all of his advanced placement classes.  He is the Center Snare on drum line and is playing full drum set for the Jazz band. He is shockingly good and works really hard to be better everyday. He is now talking about cars and driving and girls and growing up and jobs and girls and growing up and frankly it's just pissing me off! Where did the time go? He is starting to take the cues of how much I can take before I burst into tears and he is getting better about easing me into it and for that I am thankful.

Ty- 4.0, Principals Award (over achiever if you ask me)

Paris age 10, 5th grade. Paris is turning into a young lady and it's hurting her daddy more than me. As much as I hate her growing up there is part of me that enjoys the new relationship we are gaining. I can talk to her at a higher level now and I can see that she is soaking up everything I say so I am just trying to fill her with as much as I can before she realizes I am making most of it up on the fly. She is slowly becoming more responsible and is beginning to care what she looks like, not enough to wash her hair without me telling her but at least she is interested in clothes and shoes. She adores singing. She just lights up every single time she sings and she's pretty good in this moms opinion so we surprised her this week with voice lessons. She starts next week and it pretty stoked (yes I said stoked, I told you I am OLD). I really look forward to continue to attempt to figure her out while she figures her self out. She is my wild card, I honestly don't know what or where she will end up but I do know wherever or who ever she ends up being with, will be better off for it. She is an amazing, messy young lady.

Me and my big girl on pedicure day

Gianna age 7, 1st grade. Last week Josh argued with me about Gigi being in first grade, he thought she was in third and was dead serious. I guess I'm not the only one struggling to keep it together. Gigi is so very smart and just cracks us up. Josh always says she has the most personality of all the kids, and she really is just a joy to be around. It is almost impossible to break her spirit. Don't get me wrong she whines and cries with the best of them but for the most part she is all smiles and her entire face lights up with every word that comes out of her.  She still drives me crazy at times and I snap. I always feel horrible when I loose my cool with the kids but especially with her because she is so joyful and energetic but thankfully she always forgives me, like 2 seconds later. 

Having a bad day? Call me, I'll lend you Gigi and you will be cracking up I promise.

Then we have the twins...

Charlotte age 3, Pre-school. Miss. Charlie is quite the kid. She is very needy and very, very affectionate. She always wants to be held and snuggled. She routinely asks me, " Mommy, you sit in you chair and rock me baby." She wants to be held like a newborn and be rocked. I pretend to give her a bottle and sing her songs while she fakes she is asleep. She can now count to 12 and pretends to read books every chance she gets. She loves baby dolls, playing with her kitchen set and loves, loves, loves Penny.

Charlie girl, AKA Panda- (because she's fat like a panda) She told Ty today she's a big girl, "I big Ty, look at my fat belly, I get big. I so BIG"

Penelope Layne, age 3, Pre-school. Miss Pen is so very independent. She wants to do everything herself, she only wants snuggles when she wants them and isn't giving them up otherwise. She figures everything out and I am certain plots her "adventures" in advance. She doesn't talk half as much as Charlie but then when she does, I'm like where did she learn all these words? Penny recently had her nephrology check up. She only has the one kidney so we monitor it closely. Every visit is a positive one and I always leave the office feeling great. This year wasn't the same. This time I was told Penny's kidney had not grown at all in the last year. The Doc told me this in the three minutes he was in the room followed up with don't worry, yet.. and that we would check it again next year and then worry if there wasn't change... So of course I didn't give it another thought and will monitor it as he said next year, NOT! No, no, no, I wish I could be that person but instead her little life flashed through my mind and fast forwarded to dialysis and kidney transplants, hospital stays, medications that cause cancer....Then I blinked, smiled at the Doc and said, "Sure, no problem, see you next year." Then I cried most of the way home. When I got home I didn't want to talk about it, I never do. Josh feels the need to tell people about things like this right away but I have to process first. I have to cry, think horrible things, research like crazy, take an anxiety pill, get some reassurance from medical professionals I trust, then and only then I can breathe again because I then let reason take back over. I then know medically children's organs after 3 grow much, much slower. I know that ultra sound measurements can be off and I know that Penny has perfect kidney function. Then the knot in my stomach goes away and I can move on... That's how I deal, it's not the best way or even a good way but this is me every single day about one thing or another.

Penny girl is super tough, afraid of nothing except bed time that is.

These five little ducklings cause me so much grief. My house is constantly loud, not like kids giggling sweetly in that background loud. Not like a warm inviting loud but rather a blood pressure rising, screaming, screeching, whining loud that has driven me to drink earlier in the day. 

My days are long. They start early with getting kids to school then rushing off to work only to come home to make dinner, help with homework, break up fights, prevent melt downs and the stop the tantrums. It has yelling, crying, screaming and has me longing for them all to go to bed so that I can just start my paperwork and then possibly do some homework... ~sigh~ This is only a season of my life.... this too shall pass../

Then I stop long enough to see Penny finally give in to Charlie's 50th request for a hug and Ty and Paris are actually talking without fighting. I see Gianna teaching the babies how to wrap their baby dolls and put them to bed just as Penny takes off to jump on Ty's back. Next thing you know we are all wrestling on the floor, tickle torturing someone and the world is perfect.... In those moments I think, this is only a season of my life and it's just not lasting long enough. 

I received a picture today of a brand new baby that my dear friend had just delivered and I was overcome with joy for her and almost sad at the same time for me. It was the first time since before the twins I had that longing feeling for a new baby. DON'T get me wrong here, I DO NOT want another child but in that moment, knowing I could never have the excitement of a new baby, to know that so many exciting things like first smile, steps, words are all behind me hurts just a little bit. I remind myself, that season of my life is over and just like a season does when one leaves another one blows in. 

I am in the season of loud.

I am in the season of tired.

I am in the season of stretched beyond belief.

I am in the season of amazement.

I am in the season of thankfulness.

I am  in the season of love, in love with my life, in love with my family, friends and opportunities as they present themselves. 

I am in the season of maturity, growing and defining my new season...

I am excited to see what the seasonal change will bring and am grateful that I have so many special people to share it with. I hope to embrace my season because I know that this too shall pass and I know I am certainly going to miss it, so I hope it lasts a little longer.

Much love