Kryptonite

Superman can fly... He can fight off any enemy and prevail with grace, not to mention his hair will remain unscathed and perfect after the mighty brawl. Superman seems to be indestructible, that is until a tiny fragment of a glowing rock known as kryptonite comes even remotely close to the man of steel. Then what? Then he drops to his knees.  I imagine his mind races with fear as he plays out the inevitable play by play. I wonder if he flies around in-between it all wondering if around the next corner lies the mighty enemy that can take him down.  Well, I don't know about any of that especially since he's a fictional character but I'll never tell my kids that. I still point out the streaks in the sky as being him zooming by...They still get excited, well at least the littles do.  I feel like Superman.... Not the Superman that wins all the battles but rather the sad, half dead one lying on the ground waiting for someone to end it all as the kryptonite sucks the life out of him... Dark huh? That's where I am lately. I am exhausted... Utterly exhausted and feel like I am failing in every which way. I'm not keeping the house as clean as I'd like. I'm not as involved with the kids school as I'd like in fact I'm not involved at all. Not one PTA meeting and I'll probably not even go to the school carnival much less help with it... Things bother me now that never would have before and really shouldn't at all.
The other day the kids made a huge deal out of a meal Josh had made. It was delicious and he was quite proud and as the kids made this big deal out of it I became sad. I just kept thinking it's my food that they love, not dads and why is this such a big deal?! I could feel the anxiety come over me as my heart began to race. Right in the middle of this moment I was having Ty and Gianna both said something to the effect that dad is the cook in the house now and I felt the tears in my eyes come to surface. That shouldn't bother me but it did. I should have felt grateful he is enjoying his new smoker and actually taking some of the workload but I didn't, I felt replaced and I'm still here but not really... I'm not really anywhere because I'm spread so thin I can't be anywhere because I'm everywhere but not enough to actually matter. If that can make sense at all.  School is just kicking my butt and that's all there is to it and whats crazy to me is no one seems to notice that I'm falling apart right in front of them. Maybe I am just that good of an actress, maybe I chose the wrong field after all...
Recently a co-worker made it over to talk to me and ask how I was. I told her I was super busy which is my go-to answer but she didn't leave it at that. She actually wanted to know HOW I WAS... I had a hard time telling her that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and by verge I mean I am actively breaking down right in front of you. She said I was Super Woman, I assured her I was not... As I explained just how complicated things were she just smiled and said I'd get it done.... I fought back tears because I just don't know that I can this time. This time I may just be over my head but instead I smiled and agreed. I say the same things to everyone who asks because for the most part people don't really understand and maybe they don't want to and I can't blame them, it's a lot to take in. My husband keeps reassuring me it will all be worth it... I'm not so sure anymore. I'm struggling in every which way and almost hope I do fail simply because that means I have a way out. That's not me, at least not typically. Thats the exhausted me that has just showed up unannounced and has luggage! I'm worried she will never leave!
She will leave though... I'll make sure of that. I'm trying to kick her out of the pictures as it is. Tonight in class we were being lectured on antibiotics. Some antibiotics have the greatest efficacy as they have consistent levels within the blood to stop the bacteria in it's tracks. Others work well by having a large dose daily as they continue to benefit from the byproduct well after the medication has wore off.  Some kill off the bacteria while others just stop it from growing to allow your own body to create the adequate defense. Sometimes you have to change from one to another in order to completely heal as the infection changes. This stress that I call life is like a vicious bacteria and I just have to find the right antibiotic to treat it. I have already started my healing with diet and exercise to give myself the best platform to gain myself and sanity back. I have large doses of treatment with the help of my friends. I have the best friends. I have the kind of friends who text me on school nights knowing I will likely be stressed and need a pick-me-up. I have friends that call me randomly even though their own life is hectic just to ensure I'm okay. I have friends that send me funny cards for no real reason at all and are prepared to talk me off the ledge weekly without tiring of my complaining. Those are the moments that feed my soul even after the phone call is over and allow me to feed off it for hours upon hours longer. Then I have my family. I have the most amazing family.The consistent dose that remains constant in my system. It comes in the form of hugs and kisses and I love you's. It comes from my husband telling me he knows its hard but has no doubt that I can do it. It comes from him cooking even though it breaks my heart a little because I know I just can't do it alone and I am thankful I don't have to. I may have to change my plan of treatment a dozen more times during the next year but thankfully I have all the treatment I need at my fingertips. Even while typing these words I can only feel happiness as my phone lights up with an encouraging text from a friend. I feel overwhelmed with excitement for what the future holds for me knowing that in just 3 short weeks I will be in a clinic assessing, diagnosing and treating patients just as I said I would over ten years ago. Ten years ago I was starting school to be an LVN and I said way back then I was going to be a Nurse Practitioner and now here I am a year away from that goal. A goal that I could never reach without my family, my friends and my stress... That stress that brings me to my knees is also the same thing that makes me a fighter. It drives me to want to be better, to do better and push harder.  Now let's not get me wrong here, I will keep crying. I will still feel like I should quit and maybe still wish I'd fail just to be done. I will still feel overwhelmed and I will absolutely feel exhausted but I will also feel gratitude. I will feel grateful for the experience I have worked so hard to be a part of. I will rejoice in the fact I have a strong body that I can abuse to get the job done. I will thrive on the stress and appreciate the accomplishments that much more. Lastly, I will be beyond thankful for the people who allow me to rest on their shoulders when I need it the most... I am not Superman. A rock will not bring me down. The only thing that stands in my way of attaining my goals is me and I just won't let her.



Anything worth having is worth fighting for... Keep fighting friends, keep fighting.
Much Love-
D