Eggs Eggs Eggs

Easter 2014

The day started off with a bunch of clean sugar free kids....It didn't end that way.

We typically spend days like this with Josh's side of the family. Today was no different. My job this year was an appetizer and a desert..simple enough...Well, simple if you didn't have screaming twins. I had planned on making sugar cookies with the kids and making my husband's Great Grandmothers famous Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting. I have made it dozens of times without skipping a beat but of course this day, I didn't have parchment paper...That was the start to the end! The twins were not about to play happily yesterday so I ended up rushing through the cake without lining the pan and OF COURSE it stuck like crazy! I pasted it back together but knew the second we cut into it..TOAST! I'm sure it would have tasted wonderful but it was going to look like a frosting glued mess on the inside. I gave up, put the babies to bed and decided to try again in the morning.

This is the worst part of having such a small home. When the twins are ready for bed everyone has to head to the back of the house so they will sleep which means they are all in my room 24-7. NO cleaning, no cooking, no nothing! They go to bed no later than 7:30 which takes away a lot of time I could be using to accomplish tasks. Even the baby-sitters have to hang out in our room until we get home, not cool. 

Thankfully this morning went better and I had enough cream cheese to make another batch of frosting. This time I made carrot cake cupcakes instead so that the lack of parchment paper wouldn't be an issue. In between batches of cupcakes the girls helped me finish up and decorate the cookies and all was well. The kids all opened up their Easter Baskets and were happily surprised with a few little treasures. Now we do not go present crazy in our house for holidays. Honestly I think it's a bit ridiculous when I have seen and heard of the extravagant gifts the Easter Bunny is bringing now-a-days. To each his own but in this house I am quite pleased that my kids were excited to receive a few small things like jump ropes, chap stick, decorative pencils, Pez dispensers and of course some cute candies. The twins received a little pink Teddy Bear and a few candies that they inhaled. After a quick sugar high we headed to the families...

Gianna could not have been more excited to see her grandma's and eat some chocolate!

Skinny Minnie here could not wear her new dress because she has zero fat so the dress fit length wise perfectly but fell off her skinny body! Thankfully Grandam Gina had just bought her a very cute jumpsuit- very 70's and she looked adorable.

Richard was so excited to have the kids he didn't even open the Easter Basket we had gotten him. 

Charlie was not so sure about this whole "Easter" thing

Penny on the other hand was ready to play

So serious

Ty decided he was not going to search for eggs this year. Grandma Jackie wasn't having it, so Ty did hunt for eggs but I'm pretty certain this was the last year ;-(

Penny loves sitting in big chairs

Penny's new thing is making this funny face. She loves to make everyone laugh

Cousin Natty came over to play and dye eggs

We had to loose the dresses in order to save the dresses!

Daddy helping Pen Pen

Gigi is a perfectionist

Paris trying to not get dirty

Richard finished his eggs the fastest

So egg hunting... Charlie figured out it was best to find one egg, eat all the contents and then move on to the next... I image we will be finding foil wrappers in diapers the next several days...

Penny figured out how to put the eggs in her basket but then realized Charlie had the right idea...Eating Foil 101 is a class they can now both teach.

I am so glad we stripped the dresses prior to the egg hunt

This is Charlie's "Cheese"

Penny and her basket

We followed up our visit at Aunt Carols with more of the family. The kids had a second egg hunt for dollar bills! I was just happy there wasn't anymore chocolate. We had a wonderful visit with everyone and I guarantee these kids will sleep very well tonight. Another year, another batch of wonderful memories. It really was a wonderful time for the kids and pure joy to watch their excitement.

Much Love

A different view

Today I took each of the big kids to Children's Hospital for a renal ultra sound.  I assume they are all just fine as we have never had an issue with illness or infection with any of them but our pediatrician insisted because Penelope's condition is genetic. According to the studies there is a 30% chance the other kids could also have urinary reflux which over time damages the kidneys. Charlotte was examined and cleared shortly after Penelope's diagnosis and I just assumed all the big kids were fine; however, our doctor who is wonderful wanted to have the study based on the side of caution and that is just fine with me. It's a non-invasive procedure that will give us confirmation this wonderful trait ended with Penny.
I get asked regularly why I don't work at Children's and my answer is, "I don't like kids" which gets a huge laugh because I have five but frankly, I'm not joking. I love my children but I am not the girl who falls in love with every baby and thinks all children are adorable- their not. Babies are rarely cute and too many kids are products of their parents which is not always a good thing. Don't get me wrong here, I do love well behaved children and I can find something good to say about any child I meet and I really do try to make each child I take care of feel special but they are not my first choice of patients. This is only because I become very attached and I can't separate my personal self from my work self with kids. I hate to know they are in pain or danger. It simply breaks my heart to care for a child I can't fix and for a great number of children, I can't fix them. So no, I will not work at Children's at this point in my life at least not while my children are young. Maybe someday I won't see my child's face in theirs and THEN I could emotionally handle it but till then, I'll stick to adults with a few kids mixed in.
Back to the big kids, we headed to the hospital while my mom watched the twins. It was a calm morning with no worries which was new for me. Every Children's appointment generally makes me sick to my stomach as I worry of the results. Penny has caused my Children's anxiety level to reach new levels but not today. I had no fear that anything was wrong with any of the kids so it was just a routine appointment and I liked that. We checked in and sat and sat and sat, they were running behind but we were just fine sitting there waiting. As we sat there I noticed a brand new set of twin girls and the mom had a look of panic all over her face.. I felt so bad for her.. I remember those first sleepless weeks and then on top of that they obviously had a health scare just as we did or they wouldn't be there waiting next to us. I so badly wanted to go and hug her and say, " It's going to be alright mama, hang in there, it gets better and easier!" but I didn't. I didn't because when I was in her shoes 18 months ago I would have found no comfort in those words, it's something you just have to figure out on your own but I will still send positive thoughts her way. It felt so good sitting there worry free, quiet, playing on my phone with my three healthy kids but then I looked around again.  I realized there was so much more than I ever noticed before because before I was completely self absorbed worried about my own child. This time I saw the worry of other parents. There were found children in specialized chairs who were unable to communicate or control their movements ranging from about 2 to Gianna's age and I thought how difficult their lives must be. I overheard two parents talking about feeding tubes and central lines, things I know a lot about but not on their level. One mom said she had to drive in every other week from Modesto for her son, based on appearance I'd assume cancer but she also said her other child had Cerebral Palsy...heart break. Another child had a pretty obvious deformity to both ears but was all smiles and a total flirt. He was a real cute kid that was catching every ones attention but I could still see his mom scan the room to see who was looking at her "atypical" child. My heart sank for her too... I instantly felt so guilty that I worry so much and make such a big deal over Penny and her misshapen head that is hidden nicely with hair. I felt bad that I cried so much over the lack of a kidney when other parents would do anything for such a simple fix. I just felt horrible.. It reinforced my mindset -I do not have the mental stability to care for sick kids everyday but it did reopen my eyes and put things in perspective. We were called back to the ultra sound room where the tech examined each child quickly and diligently. The tech had an obvious speech impediment and a hearing aid, how difficult that had to be for her parents to accept as a child...Another eye opener...Challenges are everywhere and they are different for everyone but recognizing someone else challenges whether or not are greater than your own can really put things in perspective. Perspective... it's a good thing...I'm going to work on keeping it... I walked out of Children's Hospital today with three healthy, funny, smart children that have their whole lives ahead of them. What a humbling day I had... Humility is a good thing for all of us. On the drive home I was still pondering all the little faces I noticed today and I became more and more thankful for what I have as Gianna interrupted my thinking, "Mom, are my kidneys ok?" "I'm sure they are Gi, why, are you worried?" Gianna didn't even skip a beat with her response, "I'm not worried because Penny has a bad kidney and she can still dance but those other kids at the place can't and that's sad. I feel bad for them." (sigh)~"yup, Gi you are right, we are pretty fortunate." I said.
 Humbled again, Gianna can also  see how very fortunate we are, I hope that means I am doing something right....

I am not callused, I'm a nurse...

This is a post my nurse buddies will probably relate to the most. Really any first responders will relate because our job changes us and that's just a fact. In some ways it is good and in someways it's not. As soon as I had RN after my name I instantly became a resource to family, friends and neighbors. In fact when in uniform perfect strangers don't mind asking me about their bowel habits, rashes and medications while sharing the isle at Walmart. For the most part I don't mind at all. I don't mind the calls about fevers from friends. I don't mind explaining a surgical procedure a family member may be preparing for or the importance of medications. I enjoy helping others and I am thrilled that so many would trust my opinion so willingly BUT sometimes it's just hard to care. When I say that I am speaking of very few instances and rarely that of people I personally know. Work on the other hand is exhausting not only physically but mentally and sometimes emotionally. In emergency medicine we work 12 hrs with very little if any down time. I care for people with everything from runny noses to missing fingers, gun shot victims, stroke patients, massive heart attacks, psych issues and death... This is in just one day... I may walk out of one room knowing the patient probably won't live another 24hrs and walk straight into the next to comfort the mama who just lost a pregnancy at 14 weeks, only to bounce into the next room with a patient laughing and talking while requesting to eat despite their 10 out of 10 abdominal pain... Exhausting... Now most of us who work in these conditions are pretty darn good at being in the moment, doing what we can and then moving on to the next without to much of an immediate impact. This is how we can do our job well... This is how we survive it all. I can't fall apart every time we lose someone. I can't run off crying every time a child tragically passes because I have a job to do. Someone has to be calm, someone has to support the devastated families and someone has to help guide them through the process of death... That someone is nurses just like me. That someone is paramedics, firefighters and police officers. We all do it in our own way and it's a skill I wish that I wasn't required to perfect. I said earlier that many of us are able to do this without an immediate impact and that is because eventually it will all catch up with us. Eventually you get that one that you connect to on another level. Maybe they have your dads eyes, moms age, grandmas smell or the worst....remind you of the sleeping child you have at home and then you snap... We all hit the wall at some point, it is inevitable.  Sometimes this job hurts so bad, touches you so greatly that you wonder why you do it at all- I think that's normal... At least it's our normal... The last two weeks I have had multiple encounters that just broke my heart and it really makes me not want to care. I would love to always be able to walk away unscathed by the days events because a lot of days I can but not always. Yesterday I had a patient tell me that all the nurses were "callused" and that we just didn't care about anyone. I was so shocked by the statement but I let her say her peace even though it was my very first encounter with her. I so badly wanted to scream "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE DEAL WITH AND I AM SO SORRY THAT GOT IN THE WAY OF YOU GETTING ANOTHER WARM BLANKET AND SANDWICH FAST ENOUGH!!" but I didn't... I smiled and apologized if she felt she didn't get the care she deserved and continued on with the care I was sent in to do... That's my job...Sometimes very thankless... I think the timing was what bothered me the most because as she said these words to me I had three faces flashing through my head of people I couldn't help enough, cries I couldn't calm and words I didn't want to hear... She made me sad... I am not callused as the majority of my co-workers  also are not. We are nurses who are required to care even at the cost of our own sanity at times. After a couple of extra tough, extra emotional weeks I just needed my family. I needed smiles, giggles, sing along's, hugs and kisses. That is just what I got! Josh and I loaded up the kids today and didn't decide where we were going until we hit the road. Pismo was the destination because we realized we always go to Monterey and never had taken the kids in the opposite direction. It was about time they saw another beach. I am very thankful that for the most part my kids are top notch travelers. The twins are pretty content with a few snacks and some good music. They already sing along with just about every song the big kids like and we all crack up watching them dance around and giggle. They make themselves laugh. We stopped at a cafe right next to the beach and had an awesome lunch while Penny entertained us with her funny faces that Paris had taught her. As usual we got a million looks at our giant family but today I just didn't care. I wasn't going to make them sit still and be quiet, we were at the beach and we were going to have some loud fun! Thankfully no one seemed to mind, in fact most just smiled and said how cute they were. We of course had to stop and get some shovels and buckets before heading to the sand.

Penny is my little thrill seeker. She is afraid of nothing and dug right in. It was like instinct, she knew exactly what the bucket and shovel was for and went to work.

Shockingly Charlie loved it. Charlie may be bigger but she is not as quick to jump in but today she did and loved it!

Ty is getting older... I hate it. Before we left the house he asked if he could stay home and hang out with his friends. It broke my heart. Why wouldn't he want to travel hours in a packed car with four sisters? Crazy, right?  Of course the answer was no because I only have 6 more years of calling the shots but thankfully once we got there Ty was in great spirits and really seemed to enjoy the time... 

My blue eyed girls

I told them they would regret this move and they didn't believe me until they were taking freezing showers on the beach before getting in to our car!

Gigi could not stop thanking us for taking her to the beach.. sweet girl

The twins are really turning into friends now. They play pretty well together and the last few days I have noticed that they stick together more. They call "sissy" to one another when one is in a spot of good playing.

Goof

Crazy girls wanted to freeze today, so we let them

Josh being the dad he is getting dirty with his girls

Penny was on to a new adventure- she spotted the water

No fear

Paris turning in to a sand Mermaid

Ty helping me make a sand chair

I'm not sure what we were making but Gi was in charge so we just did what she said

Charlie wanted to make sure every crevice of her body would get to touch the sand

Stuck

Mountain climber

Enjoying the moment

Fat break

Still digging

Determined

This day was just what the doctor ordered.

So no I am not callused just because I am a nurse because I am also a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, granddaughter and friend. I had a very wise instructor tell me once to give to your patients, to use your heart when treating because this would make me a great nurse. She followed that statement with a giant BUT, she said, "BUT, don't give your patients your everything and leave only crumbs of your soul for your family. Your family should always get your best!" I agree with her. I will always care for people with the best of my ability but I will not allow my family to pay the price. There is a happy medium somewhere, I just have to find it but today my family brought my bad days to an end and energized me for the days ahead. Amazing how a little quality time can make the tuff times doable. Take a moment and enjoy your families because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Much Love

Sugar Mama

Aunty Jess and Penny

My younger and only sister Jessica is a Type 1 Diabetic.  Type 1 otherwise known as Juvenile Diabetes is a life threatening and altering disease that can strike any child for what seems to be no reason at all.  Some research leads to the belief this form of diabetes is caused by a virus while others show some genetic links but at the end of the day I don't care what caused it, I just want a cure.  Jessica went DKA (diabetic keto-acidosis) when she was only 10 years old. I will never forget the day she was diagnosed as long as I live, this was the first time in my life I realized that someone I loved could die. I was 13 and in 8th grade when Jessica went from a stomach bug to coma in a matter of hours. I can remember so clearly my dad walking me in the room to see her that day and I barely recognized her. Jess who was always a little chunky as a kid was now so thin, pale, weak and seemed so lifeless. I didn't know what was wrong but seeing my parents faces smothered with worry, I knew it was bad... I truly believe the saving grace was the fact my dad was just finishing up his education and knew the body pretty well. He knew what she needed and how to keep her healthy throughout her adolescence. Jessica was strong and smart and learned very quickly how to take care of herself, we all did. I was 13 but able to calculate her needed carbs to insulin ratio. I knew how to give her an injection or rub honey or sugar to the inside of her cheek if I ever found her unresponsive, I knew how to protect her from the complications of a disease that we couldn't stop. As time marched on Jess did pretty well. She had very few issues with her health as my parents stayed actively involved in keeping her blood sugar levels under control but as she got older and hit that rebellious stage that every teenager hits, she had trouble. Jess had moments of giving up, not wanting to check her sugar while her friends lived normal lives. She didn't want t be different and I couldn't blame her. I watched on as my parents lived with fear and worry of what long term damage she was doing to her body but we were all helpless. For several years I watched as Jessica gambled with her own life and all of the complications that come with the lack of glucose (sugar) control. I knew if she didn't get it together she would lose her eye sight, kidney function and probably end up on dialysis until her body would finally give out all together. I worried and worried and worried some more. Fortunately this stage was not the longest and she grew up. Jessica was married and shortly there after became pregnant with my pride and joy, Talyn. I am indebted to this little man because he and he alone saved my sister. Talyn is the reason that Jessica took her own health care seriously. Jess became a mom from the moment of conception knowing that if her health wasn't at the top of its game, he would suffer. Thankfully her valiant efforts to health gave us a healthy beautiful boy and kept Jessica pretty complication free the last 7 years.

Jessica is Talyn's hero...

Graysen may not get the severity of her moms illness yet but she has done her part in keeping Jess on track since the moment we began expecting her. Jessica will do anything necessary to stay healthy to live a long life if for no other reason than being there for her kids.

It's been nearly 20 years since the scary day I thought my sister was handed a death sentence but I don't see it that way anymore. Now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as we get closer and closer to a cure. Last Saturday we hit the pavement in a walk to raise money for Juvenile Diabetic Research and it was a blast!

Gray was obviously stoked

Ty and Talyn ready to get this party started

Even Josh came out to support Jess and this wonderful cause.

Prior to the walk beginning there were a few speeches from the people who worked so hard to get the fundraiser together. An announcement was made that Madera and Fresno Counties had made that day the official Juvinelle Diabetic Awarness day. The man who read the announcement and acknowledged the cause tried to hold back tears as he read, he obviously is just as effected as we are with this disease. The best part of the walk is always seeing the families on the little, little kids because their families always tend to go all out for the walk. They will have specialty shirts made that say things like, "Kaylees Warriors" or "Insulin Addicts" I absolutely love seeing the support but it still choked me up knowing the struggles that these families will face in the future. I wish I could warn them that the teenage years are just gonna suck but instead we all just smile at each other... They're almost fake smiles we pass back and forth because as happy as we are that there is research and there is support there is still no cure, no answer and fear of the unknown still lies within all of us....but we walk on....

and we're off

Gray did not complain of the walk one bit; although, she didn't walk two steps either...

Gigi was upset there was a little girl on a motorized toy car, she said it was cheating...

Twins lovin the walk

Ty showing off some muscles pulling the wagon uphill

We really did have a great time and we all finished together

Grandma Gina and Ty

Gigi walking Penny

Penny loving all the commotion

Charlie with food all over her face and yes I have simply given up on trying to control the twins hair, its wild and unruly and cannot be tamed.

This picture says it all...

This walk was not just about research but about love. This walk was our way once again to show Jess we have her back, we love her, we support her and diabetes will not win this battle. 

Much Love

Diabetes Won't Win - click here to donate or get more information on Juvenile Diabetes Research