Today I took each of the big kids to Children's Hospital for a renal ultra sound. I assume they are all just fine as we have never had an issue with illness or infection with any of them but our pediatrician insisted because Penelope's condition is genetic. According to the studies there is a 30% chance the other kids could also have urinary reflux which over time damages the kidneys. Charlotte was examined and cleared shortly after Penelope's diagnosis and I just assumed all the big kids were fine; however, our doctor who is wonderful wanted to have the study based on the side of caution and that is just fine with me. It's a non-invasive procedure that will give us confirmation this wonderful trait ended with Penny.
I get asked regularly why I don't work at Children's and my answer is, "I don't like kids" which gets a huge laugh because I have five but frankly, I'm not joking. I love my children but I am not the girl who falls in love with every baby and thinks all children are adorable- their not. Babies are rarely cute and too many kids are products of their parents which is not always a good thing. Don't get me wrong here, I do love well behaved children and I can find something good to say about any child I meet and I really do try to make each child I take care of feel special but they are not my first choice of patients. This is only because I become very attached and I can't separate my personal self from my work self with kids. I hate to know they are in pain or danger. It simply breaks my heart to care for a child I can't fix and for a great number of children, I can't fix them. So no, I will not work at Children's at this point in my life at least not while my children are young. Maybe someday I won't see my child's face in theirs and THEN I could emotionally handle it but till then, I'll stick to adults with a few kids mixed in.
Back to the big kids, we headed to the hospital while my mom watched the twins. It was a calm morning with no worries which was new for me. Every Children's appointment generally makes me sick to my stomach as I worry of the results. Penny has caused my Children's anxiety level to reach new levels but not today. I had no fear that anything was wrong with any of the kids so it was just a routine appointment and I liked that. We checked in and sat and sat and sat, they were running behind but we were just fine sitting there waiting. As we sat there I noticed a brand new set of twin girls and the mom had a look of panic all over her face.. I felt so bad for her.. I remember those first sleepless weeks and then on top of that they obviously had a health scare just as we did or they wouldn't be there waiting next to us. I so badly wanted to go and hug her and say, " It's going to be alright mama, hang in there, it gets better and easier!" but I didn't. I didn't because when I was in her shoes 18 months ago I would have found no comfort in those words, it's something you just have to figure out on your own but I will still send positive thoughts her way. It felt so good sitting there worry free, quiet, playing on my phone with my three healthy kids but then I looked around again. I realized there was so much more than I ever noticed before because before I was completely self absorbed worried about my own child. This time I saw the worry of other parents. There were found children in specialized chairs who were unable to communicate or control their movements ranging from about 2 to Gianna's age and I thought how difficult their lives must be. I overheard two parents talking about feeding tubes and central lines, things I know a lot about but not on their level. One mom said she had to drive in every other week from Modesto for her son, based on appearance I'd assume cancer but she also said her other child had Cerebral Palsy...heart break. Another child had a pretty obvious deformity to both ears but was all smiles and a total flirt. He was a real cute kid that was catching every ones attention but I could still see his mom scan the room to see who was looking at her "atypical" child. My heart sank for her too... I instantly felt so guilty that I worry so much and make such a big deal over Penny and her misshapen head that is hidden nicely with hair. I felt bad that I cried so much over the lack of a kidney when other parents would do anything for such a simple fix. I just felt horrible.. It reinforced my mindset -I do not have the mental stability to care for sick kids everyday but it did reopen my eyes and put things in perspective. We were called back to the ultra sound room where the tech examined each child quickly and diligently. The tech had an obvious speech impediment and a hearing aid, how difficult that had to be for her parents to accept as a child...Another eye opener...Challenges are everywhere and they are different for everyone but recognizing someone else challenges whether or not are greater than your own can really put things in perspective. Perspective... it's a good thing...I'm going to work on keeping it... I walked out of Children's Hospital today with three healthy, funny, smart children that have their whole lives ahead of them. What a humbling day I had... Humility is a good thing for all of us. On the drive home I was still pondering all the little faces I noticed today and I became more and more thankful for what I have as Gianna interrupted my thinking, "Mom, are my kidneys ok?" "I'm sure they are Gi, why, are you worried?" Gianna didn't even skip a beat with her response, "I'm not worried because Penny has a bad kidney and she can still dance but those other kids at the place can't and that's sad. I feel bad for them." (sigh)~"yup, Gi you are right, we are pretty fortunate." I said.
Humbled again, Gianna can also see how very fortunate we are, I hope that means I am doing something right....
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