Ty will be 12 in a couple weeks and will be heading to 6th grade camp on my birthday. None of this bothers me, honestly he is such a great kid that it has been a joy to watch him grow. I think about him driving and going to college and someday getting married and its happy thoughts, exciting. I see Ty's future and I am so happy in the direction he's going, that is until Tuesday... This last Tuesday I picked the kids up at the bus stop so we could run a few errands before I headed off to school. Ty had been taken to his orthodontist appointment by my mom that morning because I had worked the night before. Ty excitedly jumped in the car with a huge smile, "Look mom! No top Braces!!"- "Cool Ty! You look great!" I said. Then we drove off as my stomach sank and I felt sick. Why? Why was this bothering me? I am old enough to have a son getting braces off, not on but off! He's growing up, I realize that and it hurt... It hurt like I can't explain other than if you were punched in the stomach and had the wind knocked out of you at the same time you were being thrashed around a merry-go-round... That's how I felt... I can't let him go, I am not ready and you can't make me! If it were only that easy, to say "No you can't grow up" and be done with it, oh how I wish... I digress...
Tuesday night I came home from school and was greeted by Paris, still wide awake so I let her lay in bed with me a few minutes so we could talk. The previous week I had several patients around 10 who were very grown up looking and it got me thinking that Paris is about to be 9! Even if she takes after me and doesn't grow up to fast I know that at least some of her friends will and she is bound to be given information I'm not ready for her to have. I took this thought, swallowed hard and began "the talk"... I asked Paris what she knew about her own body and to my surprise she knew pretty much nothing. So I gave the age appropriate talk on what she can expect in the next 3-4 years. I should have known this talk would lead to a dramatic melt down on her part. "WHAT? NO! This can't happen to me! This is horrible!" she said as she thrashed about the bed going in and out of the fetal position. She dug her face in the sheets devastated of what lies a head. I explained to her it was all good things that would lead to her one day in her 30's of course being able to have babies herself, she smiled... Finally after a few minutes of silence she said, "Mom, it's not right." "Whats not right Paris?" She looked so serious and said, "Mom I am just a little girl, these "changes" should not happen at 12, I should be 20!" I couldn't help but laugh and agree with her. My baby girl will be turning into a big girl soon and I already see the changes. I see the way she looks at the world changing, maturing....Then I felt incredibly sick...
Tonight was the schools fundraiser at McDonaldes. All of the kids teachers and Principals worked the counter which the kids found hilarious! This was Gianna's first time going since she began school. Gi was so excited and pointed out all her friends, hugged her teacher and gave high fives to the big kids friends who all think Gigi is their little sister too. Gianna was in heaven. When we got home we put the babies down and started our reading for the night when she became very worried, "Mom, when we move will we live in 'adera or somewhere else?" I wasn't sure why she was worried, "No Gi we will not live in Madera anymore, we are moving to Fresno." She smiled and said, "Okay mom I just needed to know because I have to let my friends know where I am because they know I live in 'adera now but they won't know where to find me when we move. I think I need to have a party at our new house so my friends won't miss me and Molly." She was so matter of fact, so grown up and has it all planned. I smiled and agreed but when she looked up and our eyes met I saw something I hadn't seen before. There big girl eyes. She is loosing her baby face and is growing up. I can see I am no longer the center of her world, she wants friends and parties and wants to dance and sing in her room. She likes to dress up and shop for clothes and all in an instant I see my baby disappearing, why didn't I see this coming? In that moment I had flash backs to Ty and Paris on Tuesday and instantly felt tears collecting in my eyes... When in the hell did I blink long enough for them to each jump to the next phase? I feel sick...
Ty and Paris on Mothers day 2008.
I was pregnant with Gianna at this time. These two were my whole world and it seemed they would be this size forever, I was wrong.
Gianna's first trip to Disneyland
I can see the twins in Gianna's face...Gigi was the happiest baby, always smiling.
We are planning the Twins first trip to Disney next month. I will never forget each of the big kids first trips. One trip I can remember telling Ty and Paris we were running errands in Fresno as we drove to L.A. then we told them we were going to the zoo. We had been in Disneyland a half hour before Ty looked up at us and said, "this zoo sure is a lot like Disneyland" Josh and I died laughing. Gianna was so excited and happy during our visit, I remember she loved the Nemo ride the best.
Gianna loved Ty just as much as the twins do now. This will always be one of my favorite pictures. This was after a long day of traveling to Maui.
Where did these tiny faces go?
Me and my boy... He has such a big claim on my heart.
Paris and Gianna doing what Gianna and Charlie now do... The cycle continues.
Three amazing little cubs
It's not just my kids growing that kills me. This is my niece Graysen. She was one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen, perfect in ever way. I fell in love with her immediately although now we have more of a love-hate relationship but we're working on it ;-) Gray turns three today... boo!
Sweet Talyn will be 7 this summer which I don't understand because I feel like he was just born. I walk on water to my T-bear, he's the greatest gift an aunt can ask for. I will always remember him feeding Gray, instantly becoming the best protective bro, which he remains.
My last group picture before our whole world got flipped upside down
My sweet little world flippers
This picture is fitting to end this blog because they are turned away from me. When kids are little they are always running to you with excitement, new words, new toys, new thoughts, new adventures they want you to walk them through.... Then one day they turn away from you and run, they run to new excitements, new words, new thoughts and new adventures that they don't need you to help with. This sounds so sad and in some ways it is but if I do my job right I know that they will succeed in those new endeavors because I taught them how to. They may not need me as much as they did as infants but I know in some ways they will always need me and if ever comes the day they don't, I can only hope I have done a good enough job that they won't need me but will hopefully want me. I really am making a great effort to enjoy each step of the journey of motherhood, who would have thought the hardest part would be the letting go...
Hold on tight my friends, it's going to be a bumpy but magnificent ride.
Much Love
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