Penny has adjusted to her helmet like a champ and Charlie doesn't seem so astonished by it anymore- they accepted change well... I really wish I could say the same for myself.
When I'm at work my day is constantly changing. One minute I could be taking care of an 80 year old heart patient and then go to the next room and have a newborn with respiratory issues and then run over to the 10 year old going to surgery all the while transferring the guy with the fractured femur...I accept change and love it- not at home. At home I want consistency and it seems that never happens. With Josh's job it's impossible to plan anything without knowing there is a significant chance he won't be home in time or he may be called for a SWAT call or mandatory overtime...I have learned to accept most of this although I still hate it. The last few months we have had a pretty steady schedule which enabled us to have every Saturday off together and most Sundays at least until I'd head to work in the evening and I loved that- that is until my lovely husband decided to switch to a new role and throw our schedule out the window.... I haven't accepted it well... We now won't really have any days off together especially once summer is over and honestly I've just been mad and then I beat myself up for being mad. I really want to be that supportive wife and in many ways I think I am but the fact is I don't have the luxury of being a stay at home mom I still have to work outside the home and that doesn't mean I get to forgo some of my responsibility's at home it simply means I add to them and then pick up the slack of what Josh use to be able to do and no longer can- mad.....
When I get really upset I tend to shut down... I get quiet, I clean, I cook and wrap myself up in other things so I don't have to think about it, fortunately this was a busy week and that made it easy to keep my mind off my own issues.
One of my dearest friends daughters graduated high school this week so we celebrated with her. Morgan is a wonderful young lady who has babysat for us the last several years. Morgan is an exceptional student and received just about every award you could think of as a student and athlete on top of being prom queen. Morgan has a heart of gold and loves all my babies and they love her too.
Morgan will attend Fresno State this year majoring in nursing. In a few years she will be an NP with the world as her toy. We love her...
Morgan and her big (little) sis Jessica. Jessica attends UC Merced and will be a doctor finding the cure for cancer probably in no time- she is pretty much a genius. I love Jess she is so witty and smart not to mention beautiful. We have a standing joke that Jess is "that other girl" because Gigi can never remember her name despite the fact she sees her every week for years! I am confident that the twins will remember Jess's name....Probably....
This is Lance. Lance is Morgan and Jessica's older brother. He's a music genius but doesn't give himself enough credit. You will find his name on tons of new music as an engineer. He can play and do anything to get the production just right. We love when he's back from LA and he plays us his remixes of the latest hits. One day he may be a judge on the X factor- he's just that good and we love him.
Gigi running to Lance
Paris running Lance...
Charlie missing the party
Water fight in the making
Twins still missing the party
We had a wonderful time with our friends but it really got me thinking. Karen (Morgan, Jess & Lance's mama) now has an empty nest! That made me sad for her...I'm dreading that day although I have many years still ahead of me I started to panic- I don't want them to leave, I don't want that change- I want everything to stay the same!!! It never stays the same.. I look up to Karen a lot because her and her husband have done a beautiful job with their kids. They are all wonderfully good people and she has seemed to handle each step so gracefully- I want to be like that....I think she will teach me...
When I left that night I thought that it was time for change but it has to be me changing... I have to learn to let go and to go with the change because I am loosing time "adjusting"- I need to grow up...but how?
Well I let it go that night...I decided I'd figure it out later...Maybe that will be my new thing, I will be a procrastinator..
So we went to the zoo
Josh normally tries to avoid the zoo...He hates crowds and is constantly uneasy- I blame his job...He really doesn't care to be in any public situation especially with me and the kids, he constantly worries and I get it.. He doesn't have control... When he's not wearing his uniform I think he feels a bit naked... I HATE that going out as a family is often a battle but I love that he loves us so much he's that worried...
This day he willing went without a single complaint, maybe because he wanted to or maybe because I am still in "shut down mode" and he's trying to help me out of it.. Either way I went to the zoo on three hours of sleep and really enjoyed the time.
Gigi is the only one who is constantly," Mama, Mama- TAKE MY PICTURE!"
so I do...
Charlie was amazed by the animals
Penny eventually was too...
After some quality time I started to accept... I say started because I know me and I know it will probably take me quite some time before I pop out of it but at least I started to feel the warmth from the light at the end of the tunnel...
So the week went on...
This is where the girls love to be these days but I wish they loved it even more! Lately I am just exhausted! I don't know if its that the babies wake up so darn early lately or the fact I have so much trouble sleeping but I am absolutely exhausted! I can't seem to catch up and I couldn't figure out why....ah ha....stress..... The stress of change has got me down and for some reason I can't seem to snap out of it! How could I be stressed when I have these precious faces with me?!?! NOW I am mad that I am stressed..
When I look at these pictures I only feel "warm"... I'm warm with love and happy- stress and mad don't even come to mind....My kids are my life but I still have to change....
I'm not sure why change is so hard for me, in all honesty I do so much already I don't know why switching days of work or hours is such a big deal to me. I don't have a house keeper, I don't have nanny- hell I can't even find a babysitter for a few hours most of the time and I handle that just fine so why should I be so bothered?
I don't know.... I think that's what bothers me the most....
I think we all have times like this whether we want to admit it or not. I think as mothers we aren't allowed to be sad, mad, irritated and simply overwhelmed but I am...Granted 90% of the time I am just fine and I think I am generally a pretty positive person but sometimes I can't and I am now giving myself permission to not be positive. Right now I am just going to be what ever it is I feel I need to be; sad, mad, stressed- whatever.... Tomorrow I will be happy.... maybe...
Paris enjoying summer- she is always happy...She makes me happy
Gigi "Take my picture!"---- She can always make me laugh
Even Molly has change- she got a hair cut
Barbie guarding the babies outside- Best dog ever
Ty is finally cast and brace free- He enjoyed this change
Our garden is flourishing.. We are enjoying lots of herbs, tomatoes, and peppers
No strawberries yet...waiting impatiently
Roma tomatoes finally in full bloom-can't wait to pick them
Some change is good....
Some change is real good; like having twins, getting casts off, getting haircuts and seeing your husband enjoying what he does... Change is good....Change is good.... Change is hard but change is good...
I won't end this blog pretending like my life is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong. I get comments all the time poking fun at me on what my life appears to be... My life is not perfect- no ones is but that doesn't mean we can't make the most of it. Sometimes I don't handle things the way I should even though I tell myself over and over again "I'm going to do it different next time" and I still fail but really the only one I am failing is myself... My husband doesn't expect me to be perfect, my children don't expect it either so I need to CHANGE and stop expecting it of myself. I can only do and handle so much and that's ok. It's ok to take a bit of time to adjust even if that means I am mad or sad or even outright depressed- it's ok... What's not ok is being afraid to ask for help or at least getting it out. Sometimes just talking about it makes it better- that's what friends and husbands are for...
Kids if you learn anything from me at all I hope it's that you know you do not need to be perfect for me. You should not need to be perfect for anyone! The people in your lives should love you through the happy and good but love you more through mad, sad and angry. Change is rarely an easy task but it often leads to better things if you give it a chance- so just give it a chance.... You will save yourselves a lot of heartache and will be better off for it. Mom's get sad too and that's ok- it doesn't mean she wants something different or loves you less it simply means she loves you more and is having a hard time knowing that this time in out life is temporary and always changing but the one thing that will never change is my love because Dad, Ty, Paris, Gigi, Charlie and Penny were and are the very best change ever brought to my life...
Much love to my precious ever growing and changing family
xoxo
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